


but you keep my old scarf

by matsuokarins



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, College, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Song Lyrics, all too well, overdramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:05:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4110117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matsuokarins/pseuds/matsuokarins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I think - I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back."  -Taylor Swift</p><p>Six months after Sousuke broke Mako's heart, Mako is still holding on to the memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but you keep my old scarf

**Author's Note:**

> remember when we all wrote cheesy fan fictions based on songs with lyrics interspersed throughout? consider this a throwback fic, going back to the dorky song fiction days. 
> 
> based off of the song "all too well" by taylor swift
> 
> sorry if this is a bit ooc

Some nights were weird; memories just came flooding back in torrents, unstoppable. It wasn’t that Mako wasn’t happy in Tokyo, in college. He was. Life was amazing; he was doing something he’d always wanted to do - learning how to teach kids, swimming recreationally, making his dream happen, and Haru was here in Tokyo as well, swimming with Japan’s team with Rin. Well, Haru was here a good amount of time anyways, when he wasn’t traveling professionally, or just traveling with Rin. Ever since the two have them went to Australia together in high school, they traveled as often as they could. This week they were in America professionally, for an international swimming competition. 

It was times like these, when he was alone, that the memories hit Mako the strongest. He had facetimed with Nagisa and Rei a few hours ago. They were enjoying their last year of high school, had some decent new swimmers on the team, saw Nitori and Momo often (Momo had still not succeeded in convincing Gou to date him), had even convinced Kisumi and his horrendously slow swimming to join the team, and were going strong in their relationship. Makoto missed them, missed swimming with them and Haru every day, missed the simplicities of high school life - even the drama, and most of all, missed him. 

Fuck, how he missed him. 

Yamazaki Sousuke. 

It was Rin and Haru’s fault that they’d spent time together in the first place; both felt like awkward third wheels out at dinner one night, with Rin and Haru looking at each other like each boy was the sun. It wasn’t a double date, it was a date and two awkward tagalongs. 

That is until Sousuke and Mako ditched Rin and Haru - not that the couple really minded anyways - and went around town by themselves. They’d walked all across town exploring different storefronts, talking, and eventually getting ice cream at a tiny little shop decorated with pictures of cats. 

It had been the beginning of a friendship.

Then came prom night. That had become the beginning of something else. Rin and Haru went together obviously, Rei and Nagisa went (Rei had inadvertently won prom queen as well, although that was a different story), Momo had convinced Gou to come with him (probably more of a pity date on her part), and even Nitori had met a cute Iwatobi boy on the dance floor. Sousuke and Mako had spent the first half of the night at the punch bowl - which Sousuke had spiked, much to his glee - making fun of their friends on the dance floor. Halfway through the night, both boys thoroughly wasted, they hit the dance floor and could not stay off of each other the entire night. 

They’d faced extreme teasing from Rin and Nagisa in the morning and eventually had to talk about what had happened - and how they’d enjoyed it. With much awkward hair ruffling from Sousuke and a good deal of blushing from Mako, they’d finally agreed to go on a proper date. 

And everything only went up from then. 

Makoto had fallen in love, deeply in love, with Sousuke Yamazaki. 

And Sousuke had loved him too. 

And everything had been magical and beautiful and wonderful.

Until the end of the year. Until they’d had to face the prospect of going to separate colleges. 

And then everything fell to shit. 

It had been six months and Mako missed Sousuke everyday. But some days, when he thought about it too much or felt too alone, he was overwhelmed and everything just came back. Every stupid detail, every laugh, every smile, every tearful yelling match that always ended in an even more tearful “I’m sorry”; Mako remembered them all too well. 

\- I walked through the door with you. The air was cold. Something bout it felt like home somehow. - 

It had been a month with Sousuke and Makoto was in boyfriend bliss. Haru told him it was because he was still only in the “honeymoon stage” of his relationship, but he didn’t care. It felt so nice to be with someone who loved him. It felt so nice to be with Sousuke, knowing that he loved him. 

Today, Sousuke was planning to introduce Mako to his parents. Sousuke didn’t think it was a big deal - “Makoto, I met your parents on our first date; this isn’t something to get so worked up over” - but Mako was nervous nonetheless. It was so official sounding. Like putting some kind of seal on their relationship. 

“Haru, help me please. What should I wear?” Mako asked, flinging rapidly through the shirts in his closet. Mako never put this much effort into his appearance. But if the dozens of romantic movies he watched were anything to go by, he needed to look good for this meeting. 

Mako could name many a fictional couple that had broken up because of disgruntled parents. 

“Wear whatever. No one will care,” Haru responded characteristically, if unhelpfully. 

“Haru,” Mako groaned, turning around to find Haru staring at his phone. “Are you texting Rin? Really?” he spluttered. “You’re supposed to be helping me!”

Haru set his phone down sheepishly and looked up at the two shirts Mako was holding. 

“Wear the white one. With that scarf Rei bought you for your birthday,” Haru finally said, after examining the options. 

“Thank you,” Mako sighed, then laughed. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Haru told him, looking furtively over to his vibrating phone. 

“Maybe not for you,” Mako argued. “But it’s different for you. You and Rin have known each other since childhood, and each others families. Besides…you were never going to be alone, Haru. You always had someone who would be well…” Mako trailed off, watching Haru avert his eyes, looking down. He always regretted alluding to his longtime unrequited crush on Haru. It wasn’t Haru’s felt he hadn’t felt the same, wasn’t his fault that for him it had always been Rin. And besides, Mako was happy now, happier in a relationship than he ever thought he could be. 

“They’ll like you,” Haru said after a moment of awkward silence. “How could they not?”

“You never know,” Mako countered, still feeling uneasy. 

An hour later and Haru had left with Rin and Mako was waiting nervously for Sousuke to pick him up. 

When the doorbell rang Mako felt like his heart was going to leap from his throat. 

“Hi, Sousuke,” he greeted his boyfriend, his voice sounding surprisingly steady. 

“Mako,” Sousuke replied, taking in Mako’s carefully planned outfit and nervously clenched hands. “You dressed up for this,” he said, laughing. “I mean, we are going out to dinner but it’s no where fancy; you didn’t have to -”

“I want to make a good impression,” Mako interrupted. He’d tried to emphasize ahead of time how important this meeting seemed to him, although Sousuke still argued that it wasn’t a big deal. 

“You will,” Sousuke promised, taking Mako’s hand and leading him out the door. “Just be yourself and I guarantee they’ll love you.” 

Mako hopped into the passenger seat of Sousuke’s car, now a very familiar place. Mako didn’t have a car so whenever the boys wanted to go somewhere farther than walking distance, Sousuke drove. It was a comforting place. 

“So, what are we going to do?” Mako asked as Sousuke pulled out of the driveway. 

“Going back to my house - you’ll meet my sister there - and then going out to dinner with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend. See, it’s not all on you. There’s another boyfriend there,” Sousuke laughed, trying to reassure Mako. 

“Okay, okay. I can do that.”

“Of course you can,” Sousuke scoffed. 

“You do understand that this is important to me right?” Mako finally said. 

“Yeah, I do,” Sousuke acknowledged. “I mean, I don’t totally understand why. It’s not as big of a deal as movies or books or anything makes it out to be. But if it’s important to you then it’s important to me. I want it to go well and I don’t want you to be nervous.”

Mako smiled to himself. Sousuke did not one hundred percent understand him or know everything about him. Had Haru been in Sousuke’s position, he would have got it immediately and understood at least the essence of Mako’s concerns without having to ask. But Haru was his best friend, the one who knew him the best in the world. Sousuke didn’t know him inside and out; he was different and other and that wasn’t a bad thing. Sousuke was unpredictable and he made Mako feel both complete and excited. He never knew what Sousuke was about to do next but he could see how deeply he cared. He hadn’t anticipated this relationship would lead anywhere important but Sousuke had surprised him in that aspect as well.

“I just didn’t expect this, y’know,” Mako said, looking over at his boyfriend. “I thought...well I guess I used to think I wasn’t going to be with anyone, ever. Maybe I thought no one would care about me the way I cared about them. Or maybe I just needed to tell myself that because I was too scared to try. I don’t know but I never thought I’d be in love with the cutest guy ever and be in such a good relationship. It’s still kind of surreal and maybe I take dumb things like this a bit too seriously but it’s only because I still can’t believe they’re real.”

“Makoto,” Sousuke began, his face softening, eyes turning from the road. “Not sure how to say this to give it enough meaning, but I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Mako responded, grinning. He’d never tell Sousuke but he never tired of hearing those words. 

“And guess what?” Sousuke turned his eyes back on the road, focusing as he turned into his driveway. “This is going to go great. And even if it doesn’t, I’ll still love you.”

“I know that,” Mako grinned, getting out of the car. Sousuke grabbed his hand as they walked up the driveway and up to the front door. 

“I don’t think anyone’s here yet,” Sousuke said, pulling the house key out of his pocket. “But we can go in.” 

“So this is where you grew up, huh?” Mako commented, looking around as Sousuke led him into the kitchen. He’d never been to Sousuke’s family home before, as Sousuke went to Samezuka, a boarding school. 

“Yep. It’s always nostalgic coming back here,” Sousuke smiled, following Makoto’s gaze around the room. 

“It’s nice,” Mako said, feeling his nerves mounting again. 

“Mhm,” Sousuke agreed absentmindedly, staring at Mako. “It’s funny seeing you here. It feels right.” 

Mako felt his cheeks heat slightly under Sousuke’s gaze. It feels right? Mako might tend to overdramatize “steps” in a relationship, but shit, that must have meant something important. 

“Really? Because-”

“Yeah, really,” Sousuke interrupted, moving closer to Mako and pinning him up against the counter. 

Sousuke leaned in to kiss him, a slow, lingering sweet kiss that made Mako’s head spin. 

“It feels really right,” Sousuke repeated, pulling away, his eyes crinkling. Mako grinned back and grabbed Sousuke by the shirt, pulling him back in. Sousuke wrapped his arms around Mako’s neck, playing with his plaid scarf. 

“You look cute in scarves,” Sousuke whispered against Mako’s lips. He wound the scarf off of Mako’s neck and pulled away long enough to tickle his face with the tips of the scarf. 

“Sousuke,” Mako giggled, leaning in to kiss him again. Sousuke tossed the scarf onto the counter, wrapping his arms back around his boyfriend.  
They stayed intertwined until an insistent honk from outside signalled the arrival of Sousuke’s parents. 

“C’mon,” Sousuke whispered, his forehead still pressed against Makoto’s. “Let’s do dinner.” 

 

\- Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze. We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate. - 

Mako still didn’t know what Sousuke had done with his damn scarf. As far as he knew, it was the only thing of Mako’s Sousuke still had, the only reminder of their too-short relationship remaining. Mako was certain Sousuke had forgotten everything else, certain he wasn’t overcome with the memories of hands on skin, brushing lips, and loving words. 

Fuck.

This was not the time for this. But the torrent of memories wouldn’t stop and Mako’s heart squeezed like a fist had reached inside his chest intent on making his heart explode. God, he missed Sousuke. 

Sometimes, Mako and Sousuke would just drive. Mako had a driver’s license but he despised driving. The only people he consented to drive were the other Iwatobi boys because their driving was even more horrendously terrible than his and Ran and Ren because they were his younger siblings. 

But Mako certainly didn’t mind riding in the car, burning gas and going nowhere with Sousuke. The car felt like it was somehow separate from the rest of the world; the boys could talk about anything - particularly the things they couldn’t talk about otherwise - or nothing. 

One Tuesday, Sousuke convinced Mako to skip school - Mako couldn’t believe he agreed, but Sousuke always brought out a side of him he didn’t know existed. Mako hopped into the car, looking nervously around the slowly emptying Iwatobi campus. Students hurried off to class as the final bell rang, the stragglers meandering in. Mako thought he saw Nagisa pulling Rei by the hand into the building from behind a tree. 

“Where do you want to go?” Sousuke asked, pulling the car out of the parking lot as soon as the last of the students filed into the building. 

“I don’t care. Anywhere.” Mako’s veins buzzed with nervous energy; skipping school automatically made him feel like he was going on some sort of adventure. 

“Okay. Let’s not go anywhere then,” Sousuke suggested, hitting the northbound highway.  
“I’m good with that,” Mako agreed, relaxing back into the seat, feeling the rhythm of the road, and watching Sousuke drive. He didn’t concentrate as much as Mako thought he should; he drove with one hand resting lightly on the wheel, eyes occasionally scanning the road but more often focusing on Mako’s face. 

Four hours of driving and a lunch stop later, and Mako had no idea where they were. Sousuke had promised they’d go nowhere and had really meant it; neither boy had a clue as to where they’d ended up. 

Not that Mako cared. 

He had Sousuke with him, he wasn’t expected home for at least another five hours, the sun was shining full force and Mako wanted to drive forever. 

“Where do you think this is going?” Sousuke asked out of the blue, turning onto a road void of traffic and lined with trees. 

“This?” Mako asked, sitting up straight in surprise.

“This. Us,” Sousuke clarified, as if Mako didn’t know. 

“I love you, Sou,” Mako said in response. 

“I love you,” Sousuke answered. “And I hope that...I hope that we can stay together for a long time.” 

Sousuke was almost a different person while driving in the car. He was less guarded, more open with his emotions. It was while driving that Sousuke had first told Mako he loved him. It was while driving that anything serious happened. 

“I think we can,” Mako answered -- fuck, had he been an optimist. “I know that if -- Hey! I love this song.” Mako paused midsentence to reach for the radio and turn it up to near full volume. 

Mako sang along until he looked over to the driver's seat and found Sousuke cracking up. 

“Wow, Sou, you’re mean.” Mako pouted. “I’m not that bad of a singer.” 

“No, no” Sousuke gasped out between spurts of laughter. “You’re not it’s just that, Splash Free? Rin told me this is his and Haru’s sex song and I…” Sousuke trailed off, overcome with another burst of laughter. 

“Oh my God,” Mako stared at Sousuke, appalled. “I was singing Rin and Haru’s sex song at the top of my lungs? Fuck, I am never singing ever again,” he proclaimed indignantly, making Sousuke laugh even harder. 

“It is a good song though,” Sousuke said, hiccupping. “Definitely sing-in-the-car worthy.” He snickered one last time before joining into the chorus of the song. 

Sousuke had a horrible voice but his enthusiasm was infectious. Makoto couldn’t help but join in, shout singing his not-quite-so-favorite-anymore song. 

The rest of the afternoon was full of badly-sung, words-made-up songs and unfamiliar roads and street signs. Mako ended up missing swim practice day, arriving home just before dark. 

\- I know it’s long gone and that magic’s not there no more and I might be okay but I’m not fine at all. - 

Mako sniffled, feeling the dams break at his tear ducts, feeling the angry drops of water race down his cheeks. Even now, when he heard that stupid song all he could think of was the conversation it had interrupted and how much of a lie it had really been. 

Damn it, this wasn’t healthy. He couldn’t just break down everytime he was alone. He should be able to control the memories of Sousuke, more so, he should be able to control his reaction to them. 

He glared at the bulletin board covered in pictures hung above his desk, the images slightly blurry. He should have taken down the images of Sousuke months ago -- he’d simply brought his intact high school bulletin board to Tokyo, never messing with the content. But now -- hell, whenever he happened to be thinking of Sou while sitting here -- seeing Sousuke’s face felt like a stab to the heart. 

How had he once been so happy? Every picture showed him and Sousuke -- laughing, posing awkwardly on prom night, at an amusement park, after a swim meet, kissing each other’s cheek -- and every image cut deeply. 

Looking at the pictures, he couldn’t fathom how they’d lost the magic, how it could have ended so roughly and cruelly. - 

\- Cause here we are again on that little town street, you almost ran the red cause you were looking over at me...I remember it all too well. 

It hadn’t taken Mako long to realize where Sousuke’s emotions were displayed. 

After all, he’d been best friends with Haru almost his entire life and he’d managed to figure him out. You could see how he felt in his eyes. 

As it turned out, Sousuke was much the same. 

In the beginning, Mako had been uncomfortable with the amount of times Sousuke would look at him. While he did homework, while swimming, in the car -- resulting in a few near dangerous situations. But he’d understood soon enough. 

He could see that Sousuke loved him in the way he looked at him. 

He could see it now in the myriad photographs before him. Fuck, after all this time he still desperately wished he could see it again in person. 

Nothing had made him happier than the simple evidence he was loved. Now, nothing hurt more than the dagger-like reminder that it was simply a thing of the past. 

\- Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red. You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed. - 

When Sousuke and Mako had progressed to the stage where hanging out with Rin and Haru could be a double date, instead of a couple and two awkward third wheels, it had been a relief. 

Mako still thought it was weird seeing Haru with Rin. He guiltily caught himself staring at them once and a while, looking at their dynamics. They had a very different relationship than Mako and Sousuke, or even Rei and Nagisa, but Makoto eventually got used to it. It sometimes even seemed natural. 

Once, after a triple movie date the three couples had gone back to Rin’s childhood home. Rin wasn’t there very often and with much pleading, Gou had convinced him to come home for the night. She probably hadn’t expected to be a seventh wheel to three overly affectionate couples -- it could get to the point that she may even wish Momo was there. 

At first, Mako felt a little awkward being there, on Rin’s couch with Sousuke’s arm draped around him as Rin talked face to face with his mother for the first time in a month. It seemed the kind of thing only Haru, if any of them, should be present for. But Sousuke was relaxed, nuzzling Mako’s neck every once in a while, making jokes with Gou, joining Nagisa in teasing Rei. 

Mako felt himself relaxing, enjoying himself. He could picture a similar situation as this years into the future, his favorite people gathered around a home, maybe for Thanksgiving, maybe after he and Sousuke had just gotten married, and Rin and Haru had adopted their first child, and Nagisa and Rei were planning a wedding, and Gou was holding a new baby. The image warmed him from the inside out. 

“Happy about something?” Sousuke murmured in his ear, responding to Mako’s smile. Mako just shook his head and leaned against his boyfriend’s chest.

“Oh hey! Rin, what’s this?” Nagisa asked, pulling out a large album from under the coffee table. 

“Nagisa!” Rei admonished. “You can’t just snoop through people’s things.”

Rin grabbed the album from Nagisa’s hands. “Oh this is from elementary and middle school,” Rin said, examining the book. “You all are in it. Sou’s probably in it the most. Interested Mako?”

Mako grinned. Sousuke wasn’t exactly tight-lipped about his childhood but he wasn’t particularly open either. 

“Give it here.” 

Rin tossed him the album while Nagisa clamored to call it next -- he, unlike Sou, wanted Rei to see all his childhood pictures. 

“I bet you were an ugly kid,” Mako teased Sousuke. 

“Oh, he was. Weird too,” Rin grinned. 

“I was not. See. That’s cute,” Sousuke pointed to the first picture of him that appeared in the album. Young Sousuke and Rin were sitting in the dugout of a baseball field, hats on their head, laughing about something. 

“You played baseball?” Mako asked, surprised. 

“Oh, you know. The seven-year-old T-ball thing. I didn’t get into it, obviously.” Sousuke answered. 

“That’s because he was shit.” Rin giggled. “They’d do this thing where they kept pitching until you hit it and then you’d just run to first. There were no strikes. Except for Sousuke. He stood at the bat for literally fifteen minutes and they kept pitching but he missed every single one. The other kids were getting restless and they actually had to call the first out in the entire league.”

“He’s exaggerating!” Sousuke growled indignantly, his cheeks reddening slightly as Mako continued to flip through the pictures, seeing more of young Sousuke, Rin and Gou and watching as the album began to fill more with pictures of himself, Haruka, and Nagisa. 

“I’m not,” Rin insisted, snickering. “It’s a good thing we switched to swimming.” 

“But not before we tried soccer,” Sousuke chimed in. “Rin was goalie and the only time he ever stopped the ball was when he got hit in the face with it.” 

“That’s not --” 

“Oh, and speaking of embarrassing memories,” Sousuke pulled out his phone. “I have something Haru would like to see here…”

“You wouldn’t,” Rin gasped, appalled. “And I trusted you!”

“Here,” Sousuke held out the phone to Haru. 

“What is it?” Mako asked, looking at a picture of Sousuke and Rin at school. Sousuke was wearing thick-rimmed glasses. Mako didn’t know he had ever had any vision problems. 

“Samezuka’s maid cafe last year, when Rin was a second-year.” Sousuke confided. 

“What?! Oh my God..” Mako looked up to see Haru staring at the phone, blushing bright red. “Oh my God,” he repeated. “You broke Haru.” 

“I did not,” Sousuke insisted, as Haru looked away, blushing and stuttering. “Besides, it’s only right to know all about your boyfriend’s embarrassing past. If you’re going to have a future together, that’s the only way; isn’t it?” His eyes softened when he looked at Mako, holding the photo album of old pictures. 

“You’re in this too, aren’t you?” Sousuke asked, flipping back a couple pages. “Ahh, see. Little Makoto.” 

Sousuke and Mako teased each other and cooed over each others childhood pictures the rest of the night -- or at least, until Nagisa insisted that it was his turn to look at the book. 

\- And I know it’s long gone and there was nothing else I could do. - 

When he lost Sousuke, the immediate loss was all Mako could think about. But losing someone you loved was so much more than that, so much deeper. It wasn’t just Sousuke that was gone from Mako’s life -- although that was certainly the most gaping, jagged hole. 

He had also lost the future he could have had with Sousuke, a world of possibilities. Now that Sousuke was gone, that path of his life vanished as well, obliterated, lost forever.

Mako’s happy bubble had burst, his image of the future was gone. A future together? As if.

Mako gave up trying to hold back the sobs, letting them wrack his entire body. Nothing was permanent. Everything beautiful would invariably wilt, everything safe will inevitably be overcome with danger, everything good will go up in a burst of flame. 

A future? 

Ha. 

Mako couldn’t think of anything but the present right now -- not his current situation in Tokyo but now, right now and hell the present hurt. It ached and throbbed. 

\- ‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night. We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light. - 

It took Mako’s parents a long time to allow Sousuke to spend the night. Mako thought that was ridiculous. It wasn’t like he was going to do something with Sousuke with his parents and younger siblings there. 

Rin and Haru were lucky; Haruka lived by himself so Rin could stay over as much as he wanted.

“Mako,” Sousuke whispered. “Do you think I could get away with going down to get a midnight snack? I’m kind of hungry.” Mako turned in bed to face Sousuke, who lay propped up on his elbow. 

“Mmm. Yeah. Let’s go see what we have.” 

Mako grabbed Sousuke’s hand and pulled him out of bed. According to Rin, Sousuke normally slept in his underwear but he seemed to have made an effort to impress Mako’s parents with the level of his appropriateness and stuck with a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. 

Mako was relieved. He felt flushed and light-headed just sharing a bed with Sousuke for the first time. He couldn’t imagine how he’d feel if Sousuke was clad in nothing but his underwear. 

“Quiet on the stairs,” Mako whispered as they tiptoed down to the kitchen. “The second-to-last step is creaky.” 

Sousuke responded by sweeping Mako up and lightly jumping over the offending step. Mako felt the breath whoosh from his lungs in a startled laugh. 

“Sou!” he whispered. 

“Yes?” Sousuke kissed Mako gently before setting him back down. Mako blushed again. Sousuke had really opened up in the past few months. He was quiet initially, never effusive; it was difficult for him to conjure up any emotional display. But now he seemed comfortable, happy in their relationship.

“So, anything look good to you?” Makoto asked, pulling open the refrigerator door. The fridge bathed the kitchen in a soft light; the corners of the room lay in shadows. 

“You do.” Sousuke grinned, grabbing Mako’s hand from the top of the fridge where it rested. 

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean--” Mako began to say, but Sousuke pulled him away from the well-stocked fridge into the pool of light it created. 

“Sousuke,” Mako whispered, trailing off. He hoped his eyes were shining just as much as Sousuke’s were right then. He hoped Sousuke could read the “I love you” just as easily as Mako could decipher the one in present in Sou’s gaze. 

Sousuke placed his hands on Mako’s waist and Mako reflexively draped his arms around Sousuke’s neck. Sousuke began to sway back and forth, moving in slow circles until the boys were slow dancing, rocking to the rhythm of an imaginary song. 

Mako sighed, closing his eyes and resting his face in the crook of Sousuke’s neck. He thought about prom night, the drunken slow dances with Sousuke that had really been nothing more than an excuse to feel each other up. He couldn’t believe how much had changed, how a little alcohol and some club music could have made his life so thoroughly better. 

And then Sousuke kissed him, gently, chastely, and all thoughts were wiped from Mako’s mind but the present, and the scent and feel of the boy in his arms. 

\- Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up. - 

Every breath desperately pushing past Mako’s lips sounded rough, scratchy, anguished. His sobs had turned silent, his tears had ceased falling. It was too much, it was all too much. 

But Mako couldn’t stop thinking back on the moments where the present had felt like a gift, instead of a constant state of pulling between the past and the future. He couldn’t stop thinking of Sousuke’s hands, the upward curve of his lips, the deep timbre of his voice, the way his chest rumbled when he laughed, and the naked sincerity in his eyes whenever he told Mako he loved him. 

But even in the throes of missing Sousuke, Mako couldn’t stop the bad memories from accumulating along with the good. 

Because as wonderful as it had been, it had been terrible. Of course, the lows Makoto had felt then were trivial, nothing, compared to now but at the time he’d felt his world rocking, ripping to pieces. The voice that whispered how special Mako was, was the same one that screamed how stupid he could be. 

Mako knew arguments were a normal part of relationships. He knew it and he’d done everything he could to make each argument just that - an argument. And it had hurt, but it had been worth it one hundred times over. He’d succeeded for a while.

Sousuke hadn’t told Makoto about his shoulder injury. Finding out he hadn’t told anyone -- Rin, included -- made Mako feel only negligibly better about the deceit. 

And he wouldn’t have minded if Sousuke had taken his time telling him, if the news had come out in its own way, in its own time. But to hear it from Kisumi of all people. Makoto wasn’t sure what to think. 

“Sousuke’s swimming again?” Kisumi’s words rang in Mako’s head long after he had dropped the bomb to Mako and Haru. “I guess his shoulder healed then.”

“His shoulder?” Haru asked, when Mako remained silent. 

Mako felt himself gaping, gasping internally like a fish out of water. Shoulder? Healed? Healed? Then it was...injured? 

“Yeah,” Kisumi said hesitantly. “I saw him at the hospital like two weeks ago. I was getting checked up for an old sprain, just to be cleared for basketball...anyways, Sousuke was there and they were treating his shoulder. Doing some physical therapy. He told me he hurt it while training in Tokyo… That was a long time ago wasn’t it? Anyways, I’m assuming if he’s swimming it’s fine now. Otherwise, it would cause permanent damage and...competitive swimming wouldn’t really be an option…” 

Kisumi trailed off awkwardly, noting the apprehension in Mako’s eyes. 

“But he wouldn’t do that to himself, eh? He’s not stupid,” Kisumi grinned, trying to assuage Makoto’s fears. 

Mako swallowed forcefully, his throat like cotton.  
Sousuke would swim on an injured shoulder. If it meant swimming with Rin, and doing something to make his best friend happy, he would do it unquestionably. That was exactly the kind of idiocy Sou expressed on a daily basis. 

“Um, I’d better go to practice,” Kisumi finally said, his eyes moving from Mako’s horrified expression to the concerned way Haru looked at Mako, grabbing his wrist for support. “I’ll see you guys later, yeah?”

Mako barely managed to choke out a good-bye before he wheeled around and stormed down the street. 

“Mako!” Haru called, running a few paces to catch up with him. “Mako, it’s going to be okay. Mako..”

“Why wouldn’t he tell me?” Mako turned to his best friend in desperation. “Why wouldn’t he tell me he was hurt. My God…” Mako felt his stomach sink just thinking of yesterday’s piggyback ride, of rolling down hill encased in Sousuke’s arms. Mako hadn’t been gentle on his shoulders; nothing he had done in the past few weeks could have done anything but worsen the injury. 

“I...I need to call him,” Mako decided, stopping abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk. Harried pedestrians jostled his shoulders angrily as he whipped out his phone. 

“Mako, I think you need to calm down first. Don’t attack him for this. I’m sure he had his reasoning,” Haru cautioned.

“I’m sure he did, but whatever it was, it was bad reasoning.” Mako pulled up his ‘favorites’ list shakily. 

“At least sit down.” Haru pulled Mako to a bench by the coat sleeve. “I’ll go get…something.” 

Haru wasn’t very good at communicating regularly; trying to communicate while jumping the “what-is-actually-acceptable-to-say-in-this-situation” hurdle was not his forte. 

Alone on the bench, numb to the bustling crowds around him, Mako shakily dialed Sousuke’s number. 

 

“Hey, babe,” Sousuke drawled lazily, answering on the first ring. So oblivious to what I know. How can he be so casual?

“Sousuke.” Mako’s voice came out shakier than intended. 

“Mako? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Sousuke’s tone changed entirely; he sounded concerned for Makoto’s health. Ironic. 

“I’m fine. I should be asking you. Sousuke, are you okay?” 

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The careful blankness of his voice, flinted with chips of steel made Mako feel very cold inside; he winced. 

Snap out of it, Makoto. He hadn’t done anything wrong, nor had Sousuke. So he had no reason to be scared of Sousuke’s reaction to what he was about to say. 

Mako had to physically shake his head a few times to get rid of his unreasonable nerves. 

“I ran into Kisumi today,” Mako hated how weak his voice sounded. “He told me. He told me everything...about your shoulder.”

The long pause twisted Mako’s stomach into knots. 

“Damn him,” Sousuke finally growled. 

“Well? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.”

“Helped? Please. You would have just told me not to swim. You would have stopped me -- you may still try to stop me. As if. As if you wouldn’t do the same if you were injured but you wanted to finish high school swimming with Haru? Huh? You’d do it for Haru; I know you would.” Sousuke’s voice crescendoed. 

“I… Don’t be mad Sousuke, please.” 

“Mad? I’m not mad.”

“Well...why didn’t you tell me? You know I wouldn’t have stopped you. I can only give you advice on how to protect your health and your future.” 

“My future?” Sousuke laughed cynically and Mako felt his stomach drop further. “Oh God, that’s a good joke. Guess what, Makoto? I didn’t tell you because it isn’t your business. It’s not yours, or Rin’s, or Kisumi’s or anybody’s. My future. Please. The only one who makes any decisions about my future is me. You think I care how this will affect me? Huh? It’s my life. These are my choices. Not yours. Not yours, at all.”

“That’s not what I was trying to---”

“No, you know what. I’m done talking about this.” Sousuke announced.  
The line went dead. Mako gulped. Sousuke had hung up without even saying good-bye, without a final “I love you; be safe.” 

Mako walked listlessly, stopping at a sporting goods store half a mile from his home. He picked up some heating and cooling pads for Sousuke’s shoulder, feeling hot tears sting the corners of his eyes. 

The worst part wasn’t Sousuke’s tirade, or his refusal to tell Mako before today. By the end of the phone call, most of Sousuke’s anger had evaporated; he had sounded downright hysterical. Sousuke was in anguish. 

\- You call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest. I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here. - 

The shoulder fight resolved itself. Mako went to Samezuka with the healing supplies and a big tub of ice cream and the boys cuddled and watched a movie for the rest of the night. 

The issue of the future, on the other hand, refused to go away. A nagging question, a strengthening schism between the two of them. 

It seemed all of Mako’s problems were concerning the future. His fights with Haru all revolved around the topic -- Haru had no clue what he was going to do after high school, in a few mere weeks. How he could be so ridiculous, Makoto could not comprehend. How Mako and everyone else could be so persistent, apply so much pressure, Haru couldn’t understand, he had retorted, screaming that he had no future. 

Mako’s arguments with Sousuke about the future were even more explosive. 

Mako knew what he was going to do. He was going to a university in Tokyo, training to be a teacher; he had been accepted and all of his plans were finalized. 

Sousuke, on the other hand, did not. Sou had planned to go to college on a swim scholarship; he hadn’t lied completely when he had told everybody there were scouts in Tokyo looking at him, hoping to get him to swim on their teams. But that was pre-injury, and now Sousuke had no idea what he was going to do. 

“Sou,” Mako said, pausing the pointless romcom movie on TV and sitting up straight to look at his boyfriend. “Sousuke, come to Tokyo with me.” 

“Makoto.” Mako felt Sousuke’s body stiffen. “Mako, I’ve told you enough times; don’t talk about this.”

“Come on, Sousuke. I know you don’t like it but it’s important.” Mako felt bad badgering him again -- the last time he’d brought it up a screaming match had ensued -- but something persistent and masochistic inside him seemed to almost force the words out of his mouth. “I mean, I know what I’ll be doing. But when I imagine a future, it’s always with you. Sou, come to Tokyo with me. Please.” 

“Makoto.” Sousuke pulled away from Mako, looking at him severely. “I didn’t get into any schools in Tokyo. What do you expect me to do? Sit around in an apartment all day waiting for you to come home from your great college? Wait around until you can take a break from your bright future to make room for me? Mako, I don’t know what I want to do with my life but guess what? I’m going to do something.”

‘That’s not…that’s not what I…” Mako’s lip trembled, his shoulders shaking as he tried to get out his shocked words. 

“Really? That’s really not what you meant? Because it sure sounds a hell of a lot like it.” 

Mako’s desperate reply died in his throat as Sousuke stood up and stormed out of the room. 

What have I done? What have I done? The single thought ran through Mako’s mind continuously. 

Mako hadn’t thought it was over. He knew Sousuke was agonizing over the future he had wanted but couldn’t have, painfully looking for a new path, wanting to find something else he loved. He hadn’t meant to hurt Sousuke with his suggestion, hadn’t meant to imply what Sousuke seemed to think he had been implying. 

He thought they’d easily overcome the issue. But the schism spread wider and Mako couldn’t see how he could possibly breach the distance. 

Mako was due to leave for Tokyo the next day. He sat on the floor of his bedroom, taking in the empty walls, the stripped bed, the half-full closet. Sousuke hadn’t been in this room for three weeks now. Mako wouldn’t be in it for at least three months. He felt as empty the contents of his room. 

He had hoped this going away ceremony -- if there was to even be a ceremony -- would involve a night with Sousuke on the town. Rin and Haru had gone out -- they were leaving for Tokyo tomorrow as well -- and invited Mako but he couldn’t bring himself to go. There was nothing to celebrate and everything to mourn. 

Sousuke had never explicitly said they were over. But Mako knew that tonight sealed the coffin and he stood at the grave of the best relationship of his life. 

A ringing phone interrupted Mako’s pathetic self-pity party. He feared looking at the caller ID, picking up the phone with trepidation. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mako,” Sousuke’s deep voice sounded in his ear. 

“Sousuke. Sou. Hey,” Mako felt a glimmer of hope in his body, his heart fluttering despite itself. 

“Hi. So. Tonight’s the big night.” Sousuke’s voice was halting and awkward, it’s usual warmth absent. 

“Yeah. It is. Are you doing anything right now? Do you want to go get some dinner? Ice cream? I don’t know, something to say goodbye. I don’t know how soon I’ll be able to see you again.” 

“Yeah.” Sousuke paused, and the silence filled Mako with foreboding. “Listen, Mako. I don’t know what you’ve been thinking these past few weeks. I don’t know if you’ve caught on to anything, although you probably did. But I can’t just leave things like this.”

“Sousuke.” Mako’s voice trembled, his mind feeling numb with fear and sadness. “Sousuke, don’t. Please.”

“Makoto, you can’t run from this.” Mako knew Sousuke would be shaking his head, rolling his eyes if he wasn’t so serious. “Look. You’re going to Tokyo. I don’t know what I’m doing. And that would be fine but… I just don’t think we go well together anymore. We don’t fit and dragging this out any longer is just going to make it worse for the both of us.”

Mako couldn’t feel, couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t ready for this, couldn’t comprehend what was happening. He could hear his heart pounding too quickly in his chest, protesting the words Sousuke said. 

“No.” Mako begged. “No, Sousuke you don’t mean that. I know you don’t. We...maybe things are rocky but...but we can take a few weeks off. Or…or something. We can fix it.” Mako hated the way his voice broke, hated the tears evident in his rattling breaths. Sousuke shouldn’t get to know how he was tearing Mako apart. 

Sousuke laughed, no humor warming the sound. “Always so optimistic, Makoto. Listen, I don’t know how to make you understand. We’re not good and we’re not going to be good anytime in the future. I’ve accepted it. I’ve moved on, Mako. It’s best for me, and it’s best for you too. You should do the same.”

“Sousuke, please.” Mako didn’t know why he was still trying; he couldn’t even understand what Sousuke was telling him. He couldn’t feel anything but numbness, denial. “I love you, Sousuke.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Mako felt his heart shattering. 

“I know,” Sousuke continued. “But it doesn’t change anything. It’s over now.” 

Mako couldn’t understand how Sousuke could be so cold, so unfeeling. Wasn’t this painful for him too? Wasn’t he hurting as well? 

“Goodbye, Mako.” 

The line went dead before Mako could even choke out a final goodbye. 

Mako couldn’t really remember the rest of that night. He’d woken up the next morning curled up in fetal position on the floor, a pile of tissues next to his head. He hadn’t remembered crying or falling asleep or tearing up the one picture he hadn’t packed away. He could only see a blur of pain, of sadness. 

\- Time won’t fly. It’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it. - 

Mako wasn’t sure how the grieving process was supposed to work. But hell, it had been months since that night, since the abrupt end, and Mako was still here, alone in his dorm on a Friday night, crying over the memories. Ripping off the band-aid quickly was supposed to be healthy. A clean break was supposed to heal the easiest, the fastest. Maybe Sousuke had tried -- for both of their sake -- to replicate that, but it had failed. God, how it had failed. 

He should have taken down that damn posterboard. Why did he still have it up? Why, in the grip of the initial sorrow of the breakup six months ago, had he decided to hang up the board of too-fresh memories? Had he expected some sort of closure with time? That he would eventually be able to look at the board with fond memories, instead of pain? 

It was no wonder he hadn’t met anyone during his time at Tokyo, no wonder his efforts at flirting had all failed. He was still holding on, somehow, still trapped in the long-dead relationship and those damn pictures were reminding him. 

Mako stood up, unsteady from crying and yanked the board off the wall. It didn’t fit into his trash can -- too wide -- so he stuffed it unceremoniously behind the can, facing the wall. A single picture fluttered off the board, Mako in Sousuke’s plaid flannel, sitting on his lap at breakfast, the morning after their first time. Mako held back another choking sob and tossed the photo into the trash. 

It was really over. 

Six months later and the pain still felt fresh, but maybe Makoto was finally accepting the end. Maybe crying was cathartic, maybe remembering in such vivid detail created some sort of order to his thoughts. Maybe Mako would never truly be over Sousuke. But maybe that was a fact he could learn to deal with. 

\- There you are again, when I loved you so. Back before you lost the one real thing you’ll ever know. It was rare. I was there. I remember it all too well. - 

Mako padded out of his dorm room towards the communal kitchen, wiping his puffy eyes. He knew he looked horrific, the remnants of tears painfully obvious on his face. He prayed he could walk to the kitchen, make a cup of hot chocolate and leave without running into anyone he knew. 

Mako knew how to comfort strangers but the thought of being questioned about his current state and awkwardly reassured by a dorm-mate made him shudder. Mako supposed he could call Haru or maybe Kisumi to get some perspective, or simply to hear another voice. But his phone was dead, and he wouldn’t want to bother them at this hour anyways. 

Mako shuffled into the dark kitchen, shocked to see the time -- 2:00 a.m. -- shining from the oven clock. Had Mako really been crying in his room all night? God. 

He maneuvered around the kitchen and started heating milk on the stove without turning on the light, rummaging around cabinets to find the cocoa powder without making too much noise. 

“Excuse me?” 

Mako nearly jumped out of his skin. What other tortured soul could possibly be in the kitchen at this hour? He turned to see a dark silhouette sitting at the table. Shit. Had this guy been here the whole time?

“Excuse me,” the boy continued and Mako felt a pit forming in his stomach. That voice. He hadn’t heard it in six months but there was no mistaking who it belonged to. “I’m trying to find someone’s dorm room. Uh, he lives here, I’m pretty sure. I just don’t know the number.” 

Mako was silent. What was he doing here? Was he looking for Mako? Or Rin? But why wouldn’t he know Rin’s room number and, furthermore, that Rin wasn’t even in town? Mako’s voice felt dead in his throat; he wasn’t sure he could respond even if he wanted to. 

“Um, I know this is weird,” Sousuke continued when Mako didn’t answer. “I swear I’m not a sexual predator though, okay. I mean, not that you were thinking that. Maybe you were. Just putting it out there.”

Mako would laugh if he wasn’t so shellshocked. Sousuke was nervous about whatever he’d come to do, that much was obvious. 

“Anyways,” Sousuke went on when he was met with more silence. “I’m looking for Tachibana Makoto. Do you know him? Do you know his room number? Or uh, if you want to go talk to him for me -- see if he’ll see me. Tell him I need to talk to him about a mistake I made. Tell him I know he doesn’t want to see me and I’m sure he’s moved on and I know he’s happy and all but...I couldn’t do it any longer. Tell him I was wrong. Tell him I didn’t mean any of it. Or actually, don’t tell him that. I know he’ll ignore me if he hears that. You know what, maybe I should come back tomorrow. Or not at all. Sorry for rambling. But if you know him, tell him there’s someone in town to see him, yeah?” 

Sousuke stood up and started to leave and Mako felt his chance slipping through his fingers. 

“What are you doing here, Sousuke?” He finally choked out, his voice sounding much more strained than he would have liked. 

Sousuke’s head whipped around and he turned back through the door, flipping the lightswitch on. 

“Mako?” Sousuke’s eyes were wide and Mako suddenly remembered how red and puffy his eyes were, how his hair was a mess and worst of all how he was wearing one of Sousuke’s old T-shirts. 

Sousuke crossed the kitchen in a few strides until he was standing right next to Mako. Mako struggled to hold on to the pain, the agony he had been suffering all night, tried not to be caught up in Sousuke’s presence so easily when he wasn’t even sure what Sousuke really wanted. But it was harder than it looked. 

“Hey, Mako,” Sousuke murmured quietly, seeming to note Mako’s frazzled state. “Are you okay? How have you been?”

Mako ignored Sousuke’s questions. Sousuke didn’t deserve any sort of explanation. He did. “Why did you come here, Sousuke? What do you want?” 

Sousuke visibly winced at the coldness of Mako’s voice. “I...I understand if you don’t want to see me right now…You look -- well, it would be kind of bigheaded to assume it’s my fault but still -- you look like hell.” Sousuke reached out to touch Mako’s shoulder but seemed to think better of it and pulled his hand away. 

Mako couldn’t help laughing, if a little bitterly. “You didn’t answer my question.” 

“I know.” Sousuke sighed. “I came here to...well, I came here to see if you would talk to me.”

“We’re talking,” Mako pointed out, urging Sousuke to get to the point. Sousuke was usually much blunter, much more laconic. Mako didn’t know if he had changed dramatically since he’d seen him last or if he was just insanely nervous. 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Sousuke laughed softly, emotionlessly. “I guess I wanted to tell you I was wrong. Wrong and..and stupid. I know I shouldn’t be here but I came to beg you to take me back or at least...at least hear me out.” Sousuke crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes intensely focused on a spot on the wall just above Mako’s left shoulder. 

Mako felt himself stiffen. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. Mako had dreamed about this moment since Sousuke shattered his heart with a phone call. But it had never gone like this and Mako wasn’t even sure how he felt about it. 

“Look!” Sousuke finally met Mako’s gaze again. “I know I have no right to come back to you after what I said to you. I know I’m probably being selfish, and shitty but I’ve dreamed of seeing your face again since the day you left and I’ve tried to ignore it out of respect for -- oh hell, love for -- you but sometimes I cry into the phone because I want to call you so badly and it’s only getting worse and if you don’t feel the same anymore -- which I understand, I promise I do -- I just need to know. I just couldn’t stand it anymore, not knowing. Not seeing your face.” 

Mako’s eyes were wide, his mind slow to process Sousuke’s words. Sousuke hadn’t let out such an emotional tsunami since the first time he told Mako he loved him. Mako hated the way the seeds in his heart, long-buried and probably rotting and festering over the months, felt as if they were sprouting again. He shouldn’t feel like that. 

“Why now?” Mako whispered, unable to respond adequately to Sousuke’s confession. 

“Because I remember it all too well,” Sousuke said, staring into Mako’s eyes with such sincerity that Mako felt his heart tremble. 

“Will you please at least talk to me?” Sousuke asked, hesitating before touching Mako’s wrist. “We can start slowly, if you’re willing to see me at all. Maybe try to rebuild a friendship before anything else. If you want to, of course.”

Mako thought of the misery, the screaming and sobbing of just two hours ago. He thought of the photo in the trash can. Then he thought of prom, of their first date, of meeting Sousuke’s parents, of driving for hours and going nowhere, of the feeling of family, of dancing in the kitchen, of Sousuke’s lips, words, fingertips, and smell. The highs and the lows and everything that had made their time together so beautiful, all leading up to now.

Unconsciously Mako smiled, turning away from Sousuke to pull two mugs from the cabinet. “How about over hot chocolate?” 

Sousuke smiled, eyes lighting up, and Mako could see the landscape of possible future memories spread before them. And he was home.


End file.
